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Jan. 26th, 2017 | 12:00 pm


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Nine years ago a stroke changed my whole world for the better

Jan. 26th, 2017 | 12:07 am

To still be here to write this post is at times a very mixed blessing my loves. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful every day that I am allowed to open my eyes for I know far to many who are denied that privilege.

Nine years have gone by since my initial stroke. I know, I find that hard to believe as well. There are times when it feels like it was just yesterday and other times when it feels like 100 years ago.

So much has changed since that event. Have to say the majority of changes have been for good. I finally get to become the person that I always wanted to be. Happy, confident and 100% in love with me as a start. Bad days and all, I know in my heart that I am a good person.

This is not something I could always say before my stroke. Anyone who has been around either of my blogs for any length of time know this to be true. Yes I've still had some moments of self doubt as far as dating or relationships go. This time around though I do not let it keep me down.

Biggest reason for that I believe is knowing that I have a hole in my heart. The technical term is Patent foramen ovale or PFO. Which is a hole between the left and right atria {upper chambers} of the heart. This hole exists in everyone before birth, but usually closes shortly after being born.

I actually opted not to fix this issue in my life. The biggest reason for that is being told that my risk for another stroke as it was all to easy to pass a clot between the patch. Yeah, thanks but no fucking thanks. I'd already had one stroke plus without surgery my risk is only during strain. Along the lines of rough sex or taking a shit.

As I can't give up either of said activities I do my best to keep my digestive system regulated. Which is healthy for us all to start. As for the sex, hasn't been an issue the past five years and I don't see sex happening any time soon so that bridge I'll cross when I get to it.

To be honest, I'm not really actively looking for sex or a relationship. Would I like them, well fucking DUH. They're just not top priority at this time. Even though this "new" year has still sucked donkey ass, it's also going to be the year I get one step closer to being independent again.

For that is one little side effect of all this that I still just fucking hate. There is little I actually say that about for hate is truly a useless emotion in our lives. All it does it suck your strength, energy and brain power. Don't believe me on that one? Fuck your brain up and you'd likely be surprised at just how much it sucks out of you.

For there is this beauty of a thing called Neurofatigue. Now some may think there is no such thing. Let me tell you it is all to real and it sucks! I've gotten better as the years have gone by. It has been a challenge to learn that using my brain actually makes me so damn tired. If I am already tired, stressed or emotional in any way it zaps the energy quicker.

I think though that it is actually harder on those who do not understand. I wish at times that my brain wasn't like "fuck you" and I could do all the things that I used to.

It frustrates me at times that I can no longer handle being around people that I don't know and that crowds can sound like a hive of angry bees in my ears. I get tired of hearing well meaning things like "you don't look sick" as if every disease or health issue automatically puts a tattoo on your forehead to proclaim what is wrong with you.

Not even remotely sorry that I do not fit in to the image you have in your head on what a stroke survivor should look like. It irks me when I am told "well my mothers sisters nephew cousin had a stroke and have it so much worse then you."

Back the fuck up there and please advise me when YOU went to medical school. You have no clue and while likely well meaning, please just keep it to yourself.

Yes, I have been very blessed to not have any serious physical side effects from the initial stroke. However that really only lasted until Fall of 2009 when I had brain surgery for the Moyamoya disease. Since that day the right side of my head has been nothing but constant pain.

It saddens me that your brain isn't considered "sexy" enough to warrant more research or an ad blitz. To this day there is still just not enough known about what all your brain can do. We need to change that and is one of my goals when I get back in to the work force of responsible adulthood.

I have learned just who has my back and no longer cry over those who don't. I don't have the stamina, time or energy to focus on those who can only be negative.

I have learned to walk away from what is bad for my recovery and not feel the least bit bad about it.

once I finished up the five stages of grief I think the best lesson of all that I learned was to NEVER GIVE UP, to not dwell on bad days for they are just bad days and to greet each new day with some form of optimism and hope, even if it's a glimmer so fucking brief you're not sure it's there.

and just like that the thought train has disappeared, this time around I'm not gonna be sad about it for I've been working on this post for a few hours now with some rest stops along the way, not something I could have accomplished nine years ago, true story right there.

Anywho my luv muffins, I am going to close this post as I have to wrangle the lil dude for a bit in the morning and it's been a fucked up week

Never forget that I love you all for the love, support, encouragement and ass kicking when it's been needed these past nine years and I can't wait to see where I go from here

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Jun. 3rd, 2016 | 12:01 pm


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"Today I am....."

Jun. 2nd, 2016 | 02:03 pm

Here to tell you that I am still very much a Queen in my own right. This time around though it's not for being bitchy, miserable, pessimistic and many other sad but all to true ugly qualitites in my life once upon a time.

Yesterday I was "giving up" on pretty much everything except my life. For that is one thing we'll never have to worry about my luv muffins, I'm not at all the least bit suicidal. Can't tell you I wasn't, once upon a time, but now there are NO worries there either.

Nope, one thing I have learned is to stay calm in situations. Which leads me to my second todaysm. I am still just utterly exhausted from our cook out on Sunday. Y'all so called normal peeps get tired from every day living. Well I can tell you from my one personal experience that every day living can wipe my energy right the hell out of six parks.

It can take DAYS for me to recover from that. Monday I can't begin to tell y'all how long I was actually awake and out of bed. Tuesday I was still pretty damn tired and it was hard to stay awake to watch my lil dude. Nap time was a blessing and thankfully he knows that Mam Mam always wins.

Yesterday I could mainly function. I did get some stuff accomplished around the house and even in the yard a wee bit.

Today though, I am doing much of nothing until I damn well fucking feel like and I will not even begin to apologize for it. Think of me what you wish for admitting to being as lazy as I can today. For what y'all think of me no longer really matters to me.

Not saying that your love, support, encouragement, kind words and hell even the not so unkind ones over the years is just one of the things that keep me going. I'm not a quitter y'all.

Sometimes I just have to randomly spurt out the negative so that I don't try to reconnect the "dwell on it pessimism" route in my brain. That is one bridge I prefer not to repair.

Anywho I'm sure there was a moral to this tale, but right now I can't rightly think of it. Y'all have the most blessed of days that you can. For now I am going to kick back and continue to enjoy this view

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May. 21st, 2016 | 12:01 pm


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Today I am a wee grumpy and trying not to go.....

May. 20th, 2016 | 05:09 pm

In full bitch mode. Why? I really don't like to and to be quite honest I wasn't all that thrilled about it for as long as I did so. It's exhausting now plus life is to damned short to waste time on it.

Which is why I'm blogging instead of mowing the lawn. Ah well, let's focus on me and some numbers from the last year. You're thrilled, I know hehehe

We've been back in the Mitten for a year now, give or take a few days. It still pretty much sucks in some aspects but that is all parts of life no matter where we are. So I deal as it's not gonna be a permanent place.

Since last year though when I was able to get back in with my awesome health care team I have been able to get a few things back on track.

Wish I could say my weight is one, but I still tip in around 200 pounds, give or take a few depending on the time of day. Once upon a time that would have depressed me to no end. Not anymore. For that number while I'd like to see it go lower, does see me doing the following:

I've dropped somewhere between four to six pant sizes. Pairs I bought last year at this time are now to big. Other pants given to me since here are also getting looser. Biggest bonus, I am on the last notch of my current belt. I am confident that by summers end I'll need a brand new belt.

Sadly I lack any hip or ass definition and as I don't feel like mooning everyone, I still need a belt as I lose weight.

Other huge change is I was able to drop my a1c level to a little over 6 and we started close to 9. For those who are unaware, a1c is a diabetes term. I am still a type 2 but my goal is to kick its ass yet again. I've seen me do it.

Thankfully as I am doing so good health wise, I am able to see my doctors every six months. I will of course seek medical attention if it's needed. I know me well enough by now to know what is just not right.

ugh, I've been tripped up by my lack of energizing sleep lately and my thought train is way the fuck off some where else.

Until next episode

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May. 17th, 2016 | 12:01 pm


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The biggest question I always get asked......

May. 16th, 2016 | 02:52 pm

When it's learned that I've had a stroke peeps are curious as to what it felt like. Honestly it doesn't bother me to get asked, I don't find it offensive or rude. We're all curious about things and are likely just embarrassed to admit it.

Not me.

Hi Y'all

I'm here to tell y'all that it's weird having a stroke. I can only speak for me and the trees. The best way I can tell you to imagine it though is to take a marker, start at the top of your head and perfectly divide your body in half. Pick a side to quit functioning with NO slow down period really.

For me it was really quick. The first TIA were resolved by the time we got to an E.R. and due to my history of migraines it was also misdiagnosed at that time as a "migraine equivalent."

Of course being the hard headed lil sprite I am when the full on stroke hit, I didn't take some symptoms seriously at all. Nope my darlings, it wasn't until my entire left side quit working and how I didn't break a glass panel door on my way to the floor, I'll never know. OF course no one else heard this and it was then where time is not on your side and if I recall somewhere in the neighborhood of 1-3 am-ish.

Before I continue my story, time is of the essence if you are having a stroke. There is medical treatment that can be done in the first 3 hours and what a great question to ask if that pertains to someone like me.

Hmmm, different tangent, at another time.

It was no dream as I was still fully awake, aware and knew my surroundings. I truly thought I was screaming for help and found out later still no one had heard me in a teeny house. No clue how long it took me to get off the floor and on to a couch by the front door. All through this time I remember telling my body to work damn you.

All to no avail. Once I was able to stand back up I knew I could make a bee line for my bedroom and if I could just make past the living room wall it would be super smooth sailing as I could lean on the wall to my right pretty much all the way to bed. Which I did; and did not awaken the sleeping ex next to me for it wasn't anything to worry about.

Yup, peeps ya read it right. Can't promise he wont' be mentioned more as he was about one of the only peeps who stuck by my side from the time I was discharged from the eventual trip to the ER we made in my tale above and was absolved of all duties when we did our Military tour 2012-2015. At times we had sex in those times, can't blame a girl for gettin it.

Back to me though. I think what made it hard for mine to be taken seriously by the medical place we went to is that I looked mostly so damn normal. Yes I had the facial droop, for less than 24 hours. I could tell you where I was, what year, etc....

These are all of course not your usual reaction. Any one who had known me long enough is I hope remembering with fondness that I always did things my own way. Not necessarily always the best but that was then.

I do not recall what time we finally made it to the ER and only thing I can really reference to time is that I was able to get a kids meal from across the street. I had no issues swallowing and believe me LOTS of tests were done before I was cleared to eat.

Yet another typical issue with strokes is the inability to swallow. There's a technical term I'm sure. Speech can be affected as well and my issues with them weren't considered important for a while.

Oh well, yet another case of that was then and well this is the here and now. I've come a long way since that way to kick off 2008 and it's still just not any easier to describe.

It feels weird. Wasn't the least bit painful and I guess more surreal feeling. I don't know. I am blessed, grateful and thankful though for the experience as it's allowed me to be the person I wanted to be.

Best part is I am still learning just who that is and maybe I'll never fully know. What I do know is I have a part time job that suits my life now. I'm a grandma to the best lil dude ever and all said, life couldn't be better.

Anywho y'all I need to call this one an episode and take advantage of the fact that said lil dude is still out with momma and I can get some more cleaning done. Starting with emptying the dishwasher before he does, ugh

Y'all have a most blessed one if ya can and remember to

just breathe

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May. 2nd, 2016 | 12:02 pm


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Where has the time gone???

May. 1st, 2016 | 02:00 pm

Quite honestly my freaky darlins, it just does NOT feel like eight years have passed since I started this Stroke Awareness series during the month of May.

If you're new to the My Moyamoya Madhouse eight years ago I had a stroke. One and a half years after that it the cause was found. I have Moyamoya disease, which we'll cover in a few days. It's rare, with no current cure, no pharmaceutical treatment and pretty much your only option is brain surgery, IF you're lucky enough to catch it.

I had two series in before that and I still continue to my best to educate about the warning signs of a stroke. It's important knowledge for if it's caught in time there are options that can help prevent damages that lead to disability or death.

Do I care if you stay for the month long event? Nope you can't break my heart for it has a hole it in already! We'll talk about that sometime also. First day is mostly just this, me rambling random thoughts and eventually I'll toss out the acronym I like second best in the whole wide world.

F This is simple, if someone pretty much instantly looks like a melted wax figure, call 911 or get to an Emergency Room, NOW! Yes there are other non emergency things that can cause the facial drooping. Take it from me personally, it's better to be safe than sorry.

A Arms are fairly easy also. Have the person raise their arms in front of you. If they can't hold them even or even really raise them, call 911, etc..

S Speech is another one. If you're not playing a game of stuffing marshmallows in the pie hole to say "Fluffy Bunny" and someone with you sounds like that and they're not pranking ya, once again dial 911, etc...

One of those signs is bad enough, two isn't cool either and if you're like me with the trifecta of warning signs our last letter could make a HUGE difference.

T Time is now your enemy, for every minute gone means brain cells are dead. IF you can, try to note the time that said incidents occurred for the Emergency Personnel. Explain to the 911 operator that you believe a stroke is occurring so that the CORRECT type of EMS vehicle can be sent.

Do NOT let anyone blow you off if a stroke is suspected. I really do not wish any type of brain cell death upon even those I loathe a great deal, depending on the day.

For I am not the person who started blogging close to 11 years now. She passed in 2008, January 26th or 28th as other dates are now at the forefront of my memory. The person I am now has residual parts of that person but the rest is all brand new and still learning.

I am truly blessed by the Lords and Ladies to be telling you of my adventure in to a damn disease that really needs to be what a shot at the local haunt is called and not same rare thing almost everyone thinks is melanoma when I say it.

Nope folks, skin cancer likely would have been far easier to deal with for it's a known face in the medical roulette wheel of suckiness. Can't say that I've always enjoyed the spin i received. What I can tell you is I am grateful to infinity and back that I am alive.

Anywho, we have a whole month to yackity schmack. I worked the last few days, niece & nephew combo since Friday so today is now officially DILLIGAF day.

Until our next episode
much <3 to y'all

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